Cypress Knee Weekly Police Blotter – No. 1

So I developed a spreadsheet to help me easily build some basic police blotter stories to help bring that taste of weird Florida to the town of Cypress Knee. I’m using the names of Twitter followers. My apologies in advance. 

• On Friday, ambitious blog proliferator Sylvester Anderson, age 37, was run down by a man with a home security warning sign. The Cypress Knee Police Department reports that the incident happened on Bronx Court at about 1 a.m. The victim was taken to Heck Memorial Hospital in critical condition.
• On Thursday, known troublemaker Jason Cottrell, age 42, was attacked by a woman with a wood-whittling knife. The Cypress Knee Police Department reports that the incident happened on Sunset Path at about 12:45 a.m. The victim was taken to Heck Memorial Hospital in stable condition.
• On Tuesday, social media troll Marie Vibbert, age 31, was thrashed by a woman with a wooden two-by-four. The Cypress Knee Police Department reports that the incident happened on Stanford Lane at about 10:45 p.m. The victim was taken to Heck Memorial Hospital in stable condition.
• On Saturday, local bonvivant Anya Pavelle, age 42, was struck by a chimpanzee with a machete. The Cypress Knee Police Department reports that the incident happened on Leeds Road at about 10 p.m. The victim was taken to Heck Memorial Hospital in serious condition.

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