Similar to the randomly generated crime report, this comes from a spreadsheet I’ve been working on (and it also uses Twitter followers as the victims in these attacks):
- On Tuesday, renowned wheel bender Ofelia Perez, age 44, sniffed bat blood before they were mauled by a enraged emu. The Cypress Knee Police Department reports that the incident happened on Washington Court at about 9:45 p.m. The victim was taken to Heck Memorial Hospital in critical condition.
- On Monday, raging guppy hoarder Julie Witting, age 71, ingested bubble gum before they were brutalized by a honking goose. The Cypress Knee Police Department reports that the incident happened on Berger Boulevard at about 10 p.m. The victim was taken to Heck Memorial Hospital in serious condition.
- On Friday, infamous circus outcast S.M. Tunn, age 52, horked bathroom cleaner before they were attacked by a rabid raccoon. The Cypress Knee Police Department reports that the incident happened on Stevens Street at about 10:30 p.m. The victim was taken to Heck Memorial Hospital in critical condition.
- On Saturday, NASCAR pedestrian Robert Herold, age 29, ingested chocolate syrup before they were thumped by a pit bull. The Cypress Knee Police Department reports that the incident happened on Leeds Road at about 10:45 p.m. The victim was taken to Heck Memorial Hospital in serious condition.
